the moment you've all been waiting for

the previously referenced apocalyptic restaurant spread:

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they said it couldn't be done...

fudge's brain, after 11 consecutive hours in the computer lab: well, today kind of sucked.

fudge's conscience: cut that out! today was great! and tomorrow will be great! look at that gradient! that's a beautiful gradient you got underneath that zombie waiter!

fudge's brain: maybe this 'apocalyptic restaurant' spread for my final computer design project wasn't such a great idea.

fudge's conscience: ooooooooh no you don't. we already did this twice today. it looks FINE. he even said so. that gradient is the bomb. say, shouldn't you eat something for supper?

fudge's brain: i already had several food groups today.

fudge's conscience: right.

fudge's brain: really.

fudge's conscience: you can't just not eat anything, it's not healthy. the caf closes in ten minutes. get up.

fudge's brain: fine. this gradient sucks anyway.

(in the caf)

fudge's conscience: look at all the healthy things there are for you to eat! there's the salad bar...with iceburg lettuce...and...kidney beans...and...hmm...some kind of cranberry...something...

fudge's brain: eww.

fudge's conscience: umm--look over there! they have the prepackaged salads! with--red onions--and--

fudge's brain: cucumber and vinegar. and zucchini. ewwww.

fudge's conscience: you're being ridiculous. vegetables have minerals in them!

fudge's brain: but i don't want to eat them!

fudge's conscience: you have to eat them or you'll develop some kind of mineral deficiency and no one will ever know because you're a college student and you never visit a doctor!

fudge's brain: you're making that up.

fudge's conscience: you want to go back to the computer lab?

fudge's brain: no.

fudge's conscience: then buy one of the stupid salads and get it over with already.

cafeteria lady: honey, we're about to close, so if you wanna buy something, you betta hurry.

fudge's conscience: oohhh boy, now you're in trouble! just grap one of the wraps. you like the wraps, and they have SOME healthful ingredients in them.

fudge's brain: like zucchini.

fudge's conscience: YOU LIKE ZUCCHINI!

fudge's brain: only in chicken soup.

fudge's conscience: how old are you, seven? get the tuna wrap!

fudge's brain: i have tuna salad everyday! i'm bored of tuna salad!

fudge's conscience: i give up! what do you WANT to eat?

fudge's brain: i kind of want one of those reeses cup milkshakes from baskin robbins they had in that commercial in the gym with the little girl who failed english class.

fudge's conscience: that's not food, and anyway, that costs money. what would you eat if you were at home on a wednesday night?

fudge's brain: um....hot dogs?

fudge's conscience: ew.

fudge's brain: see?

cafeteria lady: sweetie, i ain't kidding. we're gonna pull down the gate.

fudge's conscience: that's it. back to the gradient for you.

fudge's brain: what about the macaroni?

fudge's conscience: their macaroni always makes you sick and you know it. besides, you eat too much pasta.

fudge's brain: they have some...garlic knots...

fudge's conscience: you don't like those either.

fudge's brain: you're right. none of this looks very good. it just looks really greasy.

fudge's conscience: greasy food is not good for you.

fudge's brain: did we swear off the danishes?

fudge's conscience: yup.

fudge's brain: that's ok. there aren't any.

fudge's conscience: i can't believe this. you've been standing here for twenty minutes at least, and they have all this food, much of which is extremely healthful, and you STILL can't think of anything to eat for supper!

fudge's brain: what do you want from me? i've been staring at google images that match the description 'hell food' since ten am, and i didn't get to sleep last night, and i probably won't sleep tonight either, and the gradient is really puke-tinted, and...

fudge's conscience: you're whining.

fudge's brain: they have ice cream.

fudge's conscience: only pint containers! good grief woman, get a hold of yourself!

fudge's brain: hmm...cow tracks. the kind they get at home. with the little chocolate cows in them.

fudge's conscience: that's 1200 calories, you fool! have you taken leave of your senses? get away from that freezer!

fudge's brain: the little cows with caramel in them.

fudge's conscience: ice cream makes you sick!

fudge's brain: who said anything about the ice cream?

fudge's conscience: oh no.

fudge's brain: leaping willikers...no one will ever know...no one can stop me!

fudge's consience: you can't do that. you KNOW you can't do that. everyone is always telling you not to.

fudge's brain: that's right, they did...all those years of being repressed...

fudge's conscience: real adults don't do it.

fudge's brain: don't eat the top of the brownies...don't eat the pie crust...don't eat the tip of the pizza...don't eat the cream between the oreos...

fudge's conscience: real people take one piece and eat the whole thing.

fudge's brain: don't pick the little chocolate cows out of the ice cream...yes, i remember it well...i know what they say...but now i am at college...i am free...i am free to pick the little chocolate cows out of the ice cream! I CAN PICK OUT AS MANY LITTLE CHOCOLATE COWS AS I WANT!

fudge's conscience: you're mad.

fudge's brain (with increasing excitement): i know what i'll do! i'll put all the ice cream on a plate! and then i'll mash it up until it's completely horizontal! and THEN i'll put it in the microwave! and THEN, out of the melted goo of syrupy dairy product, i will FISH OUT the little chocolate cows with one of those tiny little plastic teaspoons the caf somehow thinks you can eat things with! and i will put all the saved cows in a little see-through cup! and THEN--

fudge's conscience: aaaaaaaaaaaah! aaaaaaaaaaaah!

cafeteria lady: sweetie, are you feeling ok?

fudge's brain: THEN i will take my book review, and my saved cows, and i will sit on my bed, and i will cut the cows into TINY PIECES--

fudge: hmm? oh yeah, i'm fine. i think i'm going to take this ice cream.

fudge's conscience: nooooooooooooo!

fudge's brain: and THEN, after i've cut all the cows into tiny pieces, i will pour the melted ice cream BACK into the container, label it 'hefker' and put it in the freezer in the student lounge, where it will be gone by tomorrow!

cafeteria lady: you gonna eat that whole pint yourself?

fudge's brain: the whole process is sure to take at least two hours, and i can read the book review the entire time! it's BRILLIANT!

fudge: i have a plan.

fudge's conscience: i think we need therapy.

fudge's brain: i think i have spent entirely too much time airbrushing zombie waiters.

mom away from mom

so i was reading the new york times book review at breakfast today (bright and early at 7 a.m. - you gotta love 7 a.m. construction projects), and one review in particular puzzled me. it sounded familiar, even though i'd never even heard of the book it was talking about before - a story, as I understand the article, about a man fighting a conceptual shark with a theoretical shark hunting boat. i read and reread the review, eventually tracing my fascination to these few paragraphs:

" 'A violent something' lurches out of the TV and attacks his sofa, leaving him 'bobbing and floating and trying to tread water in the idea of the floor, in fluid liquid concept, in its endless cold rolling waves of association and history.' I hate it when that happens."

and:

"His only defense is to set up a "nondivergent conceptual loop" - to wit, an arrangement of Dictaphones relaying a constant ambient noise between them. In short, to survive, he must turn himself into a walking Brian Eno concert."

and finally:

"I couldn't stop wondering how much help a theoretical boat was going to be. Then I remembered they were only fighting a conceptual shark to begin with, at which point I went off to make myself a cup of tea."

and that's when i realized why it was giving me deja vu. the byline on this review is tom shone - but if i didn't know better, i could have sworn it was written by my mother.

maybe al gore will shovel

yonina, pointing to a google earth image of the antartica: "hey, i see milwaukee!"