Thursday, March 16, 2006

the shidduch shuttle

you know, i really never wanted to write about this. i disdain resorting to cheap shots, and the intercampus shuttle between yu and stern is a kind of undead joke that probably past its expiration date somewhere in the 80s. for those of you non-yuers, i'll go through the motion just once for background purposes: there's a shuttle that runs every 45 minutes between campuses, and as the ride lasts about 45 minutes with no possible escape, the shuttle is touted as a great way to Meet Your Match. you know, i've always felt that the shuttle was unfairly singled out. let's face it: nearly EVERYTHING at yu is designed to help you Meet Your Match. yeah, the shuttle encourages you to interact with the opposite sex, but you really don't have to. i take the shuttle embarrassingly often, but i take music with me and sit in the back and i'm fine; besides, most people on the shuttle are talking on their cell phones anyway. the old, much-mocked awkward socializing? a thing of past decades--before the invention of portable electronics.

apparently, the yu administration is catching on.

a series of shuttle renovations have been enacted in what i can only title "operation humiliation." you know all those nice, normal, front-facing individual seats that are traditional in buses and shuttles? so yu took out all those seats. then they installed exactly two long benches on either side of the shuttle, facing each other, like a shuttle at the airport. what this boils down to in practice is two highly undesirable side effects:
1) you can only fit about twelve people on the new shuttle, whereas 30 or so want transportation. ergo, you now need two intercampus shuttles to do one old shuttle's job. ah, progress.
2) you have to stare at the person across from you pretty much the whole time.
oh, and as an added extra-special bonus: shomer negiah? on a bench with six guys? hah! good luck, sucker! hope you like sitting crammed into the furthest corner of the bench with your knees tucked under you and your school bag as a thin barrier between you and five guys, constanty smashing your head against the back window when the shuttle exceeds warp speed!

the message from the administration is brutally clear: this shuttle ride is a blessed chance to interact with your esteemed peers, one of whom may be your future partner in a bais neeman biyisrael, and DAMNED if you aren't going to take advantage of it!

i should've seen it coming. my roommate had been kvetching about it on my show, but i tuned her out. (har). oh yeah, new shuttle, whatever. right. well, tonight i learned my lesson. three bags of groceries barely gripped in my hands, i clambored aboard the midtown shuttle, where i was promptly confronted with the following scene:

roughly ten guys, crammed tightly along two benches positioned so closely their knees are touching. staring at each other. miserably. the makeup is mixed. one of them is a friend of mine; a few others look extremely black-hat; a few others look like they're probably headed down to stern for a concert and are dressed like members of coldplay; and finally, at the end, in a corner, sits one pitifully depressed-looking guy who is clearly on one of those don't-even-look-at-girls kicks they do in yeshivas where i come from. he is staring at his shoes. he will continue to stare at his shoes throughout the entire ride, for which i kind of commend him.

my reaction to this scene is not really printable. but a shuttle's a shuttle. gotta get back to stern somehow.

so i decide to interrogate the driver.

"hey, this isn't really a midtown, is it?"


"are you sure?"


"Cause um, you know, midtowns usually look different."

"i know."

"it could be a local."

one of the guys pipes up: "it's midtown," and then generously offers me the corner seat, across from Tahor Man, with space he makes by squishing himself and everyone else in the row into the opposite wall. there is no extra seat for my groceries like i usually have, so i am forced to keep them on the floor in the two-foot space between my knees and Tahor Man's knees. over the course of the trip, my cereal boxes will inflict many minor injuries upon his shins, which he will bear with a grim stoicism that would many a martyr should covet.

the two shuttles take off. and i put on my music, trying to politely stare past Tahor Man's head.

of course, i have eight pairs of eyes from the opposite bench looking at me. just as i am in turn looking at them, looking at me. cause yknow, there isn't a whole lot else i can LOOK at, with this particular set-up.

"geez," one comments. "sucks to be you, doesn't it?"

"hm?" i say, gesturing at my music machine.

"well, you're the only girl on the shuttle," reasons another. "this must be really awkward and uncomfortable for you. what could we possibly do to make it more awkward and uncomfortable? i can't think of anything."

"no, the administration's pretty much taken care of that," i agree.

uncomfortable silence. someone decides to put up his feet. it is not pretty.

"oh come on guys," says another. "the shuttle's not that bad. they just want us to socialize more. what's so bad about that?"

some one snorts. "it's hell on wheels."

"c'mon, seriously though. what's so bad about the shuttle?"

"you want that in alphabetical order?" i say.

the guys look at each other.

"could you do that?" one says finally.

"um...if we start with the letter r i can. room. lack thereof."

"oh, i can do it," another says easily. "a is for awkward, b is for boys, c is for creepy, d is for--"

"damn the administration--"

"e is for evil, f is for flagrant--"

"A is for abnoxious people on the bus--"

"you sure you want a for that?"

"g is for girls--"

"no no no, we should only be listing negative things about the shuttle, guys."

the guy stares at him. "right, g is for girls."

"that's not fair. she lives in midtown."

"hey, i second the motion," i shrug.

we pass through several rounds of the alphabet, none of which proceed alphabetically. the night wears on. i attempt to distance myself from the conversation and/or become invisible by turning up my music and twisting my body into a precarious position facing the back window, away from everyone else on the shuttle. Tahor Man seems much cheered by this.

and it is then that one of the other guys leans forward, frowns out the back window and says, "dude, that other shuttle driver is totally trying to take us."

someone throws him a look. "don't be absurd."

"it's true! look, he's cutting through the right lane like--like--"

"like the macs on a court, like a knife through butter--"

"he's going to take us, dudes! we can NOT let this occur!"

"dude, no sweat! we left first. we're totally getting there first. hands down. no contest. no race."

"no, it seriously doesn't look good. what the--that black car is cutting us off! obstruction! time out! time out!"

the other shuttle zooms past us.

"holy mackerel! look at them! they're gloating! the back end of that shuttle is clearly fish-tailing in a victory dance, as if to say, i have OWNED you!"

"we'll take em in the next light. if we could just short cut through Lex--"

"driver! full thrust speed! peddle to the medal! these wannabees are gonna know PAIN tonight!"

and so it went.

of all the shuttles i have taken (more than any reasonable person can comprehend without physical illness), i have never experienced a ride quite like that one. all of us--even me, after awhile--were at the edge of our seats, cheering on the shuttle driver, focused on the win. i kid you not. at one point, some guy sat up and started talking about how the shuttle we were looking at was only a decoy so the real shuttle could pass us on the right without us noticing, and you could see by the look of doom on his face that he really meant it.

the race was close. for awhile we thought we were a shoe-in, as the other shuttle contained actual girls who accordingly had to be dropped off at the proper dorms. my shuttle being mostly guys as it was, they high-fived and whistled as we passed the stationary shuttle. yet somehow, at the last minute, the other shuttle pulled in front of us. the race was over. our shuttle had lost.

a moment of solemnity passed over the shuttle.

'it's ok,' someone said. 'we can disembark first. then we'll look like winners.'

'and we can cheer,' another added. 'losers never cheer.'

'you know, despite this being the shuttle set-up from hell, i think the administration really has a point. i mean, we really bonded on this shuttle ride, don't you think? the twelve of us? like now, when i see you in morg, i'll say hi.'

'ah yes. we will be from the shuttle olympics 06.'

'right, cause this is totally a memory that is going to outlive the weekend. or even the night. "remember that shuttle ride, dudes? had to be there, had to be there!" '

'ah well. it was worth a shot.'

A uniform nod of farewell, comraderie, and appreciation passed through the shuttle. after which Tahor Man bolted for the door like all get out.


Blogger PsychoToddler said...

I still feel that way about traffic. Like when I finally pass that idjit who was going so slow in the other lane, but right before I can move in front of him, he picks up speed to block me! Man, I'm getting aggravated just thinking about it.

Also, you gotta love the personal electronics revolution. It allows us to spend more time communicating with people who are not with us, while simultaneously increasing the amount that we can ignore people who are.

7:34 AM  
Blogger Tzipster91 said...

The number 7 bus down Bathurst sometimes feels like that, btu not as exciting. Plus it's a lot of older people.

2:22 PM  
Blogger tuesdaywishes said...

I guess the administration wins on this one, as 11 guys now have an excuse to talk to you, and Tahor Man knows what cereal you eat.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der šteg) said...

i don't know whether to feel left out that i can't ride the shuttle, or start saying shelo’ ‘asani YU :-P

9:51 PM  
Blogger Kiwi the Geek said...

I don't know how a bus can be so narrow as to make two facing benches so close together. Also, it would seem that the administration doesn't much respect the principles of Judaism, if they make it so difficult for you to observe shomer negiah. Or maybe I'm just misunderstanding. I stink at detecting the level of humor.

10:40 PM  
Blogger Doctor Bean said...

Long before this, I would have picked a random denomination of Protestantism and converted to it.

I admire your perseverence, or something.

8:28 PM  
Blogger parcequilfaut said...

Dr Bean, had she picked some of the sects of Protestantism (WARNING: I am talking about the faith I grew up in, not dissin' anyone else) I grew up in, the "church bus" would have been far more of a miserable experience. They don't dance, either, not even gender-seg, and their religious unis are usually in the middle of Nowhere, Arkansas. Stick with what you know.

Fudge, I think the admin tricked you! But at least you managed to have a good time and an adventure of sorts.

I'd send Campus Transportation a link to this your uni, it seems like the admin would be more sensitive to shomer negiah issues...but what do I know, I'm a Nashville heathen. Our transport is so lame that I can't take the bus 80% of the places I want or need to go.

7:45 AM  

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