Saturday, March 03, 2007

i love my grandmother, purim edition

(enter car, stage right. car weaves casually across several lanes of traffic, then proceeds to zoom towards a bus shelter. the two occupants, an older woman in a light dress and a girl with a gargantuan backpack, several plastic bags filled with american cheese, and a bizarre sweater, are having an argument.)

girl: so you think this is the bus stop?

grandmother: how should i know. they move that bus stop everytime i come here. the new one's supposed to be on the corner, but i'm not going to that one. i'm not stupid.

girl: (sighs)

grandmother: what kind of bus company moves the stop every week?

girl: well, luckily we are forty-five minutes early.

grandmother: listen, let me tell you something, you never know with these bus drivers. sometimes they come twenty minutes early and sometimes they're a half hour late! i don't believe in taking chances.

girl: you drove into oncoming traffic ten minutes ago!

grandmother: oh, baloney. he saw me coming.

girl: well, since we're not going anywhere for awhile, why don't i give you your sweater back.

grandmother: i don't need that one. it's hot out.

girl: i don't need it either.

grandmother: yes you do! you didn't bring a coat!

girl: it was sixty degrees!

grandmother: i don't care, you need to bring a coat when you go places! now you keep that sweater, you'll need it for the walk back from the bus stop.

girl: i'm not cold!

grandmother: oh, just wear the sweater.

(fifteen minutes go by. man wearing a streimel, gartel, etc appears on the corner of the block and starts to walk very quickly for the other end. he is clearly in a hurry.)

grandmother: perel, roll down your window and ask that chassidishuh guy if this is where the bus stops.

girl: think he'll talk to me?

grandmother: of course he'll talk to you! roll down your window!

girl: i don't think they--

grandmother: you want me to ask him?

girl (hastily): no.

grandmother: so stop fussing.

girl (rolling down window): excuse me, sir, is this where the bus to manhattan stops?

chassidishuh guy: manhattan?

girl: yeah.

cg: why you should want to go to manhattan? it's purim.

girl: well--

grandmother (leaning over girl) : listen, she's not asking you why she should go to manhattan, she's just asking you where it stops, ok?

cg: nobody is going to manhattan.

grandmother: well she is.

cg: i don' t know if there's a bus.

grandmother: there is, we heard it on the voice recording.

cg: i don't know why.

grandmother: this isn't an argument. does the bus stop here, yes or no?

the chassidishuh guy shrugs.

grandmother: ok, freilichin purim.

exit chassidishuh guy.

grandmother: he was trying to argue with me! did you hear that?

girl: well...yes...

grandmother (unexpectedly): who would have guessed i'd have a pathmark card on my key chain!

girl: huh?

grandmother: i'll bet you nobody would have guessed that one. oh, i see a bus coming. perel, get out and stand by the corner so he can see you. i'll move ahead into his parking space so i can block him.

girl: they don't like it when you do that.

grandmother: get out of the car, you'll miss him! listen, i know what i'm doing.

girl: i guess it's inevitable.

(girl gets out and drags luggage to end of the block. the bus pulls up directly behind the car, bypassing her entirely, and proceeds to honk loudly. grandmother rolls down the window.
the bus opens the doors, but motions that the girl should stay outside.)

driver: i'm not letting her on the bus until you move!

grandmother: well i'm not moving until you let her on the bus.

driver: you can't do that!

grandmother: oh, let her get on already. she's standing two inches from the door. i'm pulling out right now. perel, ask him if he's going to manhattan. make sure you ask him!

girl: ok, bubbe cissy. have a safe flight back to milwaukee.

bubbe cissy: and don't forget to put all that american cheese in the refrigerator! and take the money out of your shoe!

as they say: vinahafachu. happy purim everybody!


Blogger tuesdaywishes said...

You were in the car with BOTH of them at the same time!?! If you have any sanity left, bensch gomel. And if not, Happy Purim!

4:28 AM  
Blogger .30cal said...

i think my funny bone just popped.

9:53 PM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

I was trying to figure out...what were you doing in Queens, I thought you were in Monsey.

If you've got this coming at you from both branches of the family tree, you're doomed.

BTW, why was there no banana in the story? Was that to throw us off??

7:42 AM  
Blogger Rafiki said...

wow. i think i'll use this as a play script for camp this summer.

9:08 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

This is kinda like The Sixth Sense. I need to reread it.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...


5:07 AM  
Blogger Irina Tsukerman said...

Oh my gosh that was hilarious!!!! And I honestly thought you were talking about your OTHER grandmother - until the end!

8:31 PM  
Blogger RaggedyMom said...

That was a great twist ending. Screenplay potential for sure.

Especially since I was wondering all along - do chassidishuh men really walk around on Union Turnpike that often?! :)

11:46 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Balabusta said...

If I were you, I would try taking a train for a change. You can say this, at least they don't move the stops.

4:54 PM  

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