why driving sucks. a detailed analysis in seven or thirty-five parts.

1) no one, but no one, can explain how they're doing what they're doing. 'how do you have enough time to check all the mirrors and your shoulder before switching lanes, especially when there's a stoplight every two blocks?' 'you have to do it quickly!' 'no kidding. so how do you do it?' 'you can't drive if you can't look quickly! quick reactions are key to driving! why, when I was a boy...'

2) it is riddled with bad cliches.

'if you can learn to ride a bike, you can learn to drive a car!'

'Aim High, Get the Big Picture, Leave Yourself An Out...'

hmm. why didn't i think of that? i should really be getting the big picture. and i should definitely consider leaving myself an out! dad, there's all these cars speeding on all sides of me and one of them looks like she is about to hit me! what do you recommend?

hmm. i believe leaving yourself an out would be the proper response.

of course! i think i'll just leave myself an out now.

3) the people who DO try to explain things to you show no signs of actually executing any of the actions they're describing.

'ok, so here we are at an intersection. now which way do you check, left, right...'

'um, mom. you're not checking this intersection. you're filing your nails.'

'that's right, because you're the driving student, not me.'


4) Driving Tips From Bubbe.

'now it's all about judgement, perel. judgement judgement judgement. what does this moron think he's doing?' BEEP BEEP BEEP 'would you take this diet coke from me for a minute?' ::mops forehead with towel held in other hand:: 'oh is it hot out today!'

'bubbe, isn't that car going to hit us--'

'oh no, he'll figure it out. you see? he's stopping.' BEEP BEEP BEEP 'she didn't even see me. what was i saying? oh yes. judgement judgement judgement. and never slam on the accelerator, like this.'

5) Driver's Ed.

'today we are going to take two hours of your time to see how many different levels of patronization we can reach as we go over still more drunk driving statistics. you probably didn't know that there are several different ways to become legally drunk, so let's explain them to you in excruciating detail. let us then show you a video of drunk drivers in action. finally, let us learn about hardcore drugs and their effects on the wheel, before we sweep gaily into what kind of car you should buy for your sixteenth birthday!!'

::a passed note::

i think that smashed fly on the corner of your notebook kind of resembles a unicorn.

6) Behind the Wheel With Spoiled Suburban Teenagers Who Have Their Own Cars and Could Probably Pilot A Jet Plane Successfully.

'ah zak my man, where do you think we should go today? the expressway? the interstate? perhaps just a quick spin down blue mound road?'

'dude, are you sure i need these hours? cause, like, i have sixty.'

'well you know what, why don't we just let perel drive then.'

::twenty five minutes later::

'heh heh heh. generally, you want to avoid turning into the left lane on a two way street.'

'um, yeah. so...you see how you're stopping in the middle of the intersection there? and missing the stop sign? and swarming over the curve? and narrowly avoiding those poor children? and making wide right turns that severely piss off the other drivers? and turning left way too late?

you're gonna want to stop that.

zak, you can read any of my magazines, dude. i think there's um...some more relaxing ones...over...oh dear mother of G-d please stop.'

7) Having Annoying Nine Year Old Siblings.

'oh my G-d. perel is NOT. driving. us home. she is? i'm gonna walk. Perel! you're going to crash! we're all doomed. i haven't even written my will yet. i'm too young to die!'

8) Having Annoying Fifteen Year Old Siblings.

'well, if you would have played more need for speed...'

9) Being 16.

'oh, let's all laugh at the ignorant teenage driver...let's scare the living daylight out of the terrified teenage driver...let's all beep our horns and flash our lights and shout rude things out the window and snicker about them over coffee...oh yeah, everybody has a good laugh...'

yeah, well guess what, adult population. i've got your nursing home payments right here.

bring it on.