Sunday, May 06, 2007

we have lift-off

as most of you know, i am not the warmest of stern students. by this i mean that i have extinguished many 3 am pillowfights and 2 am dance-a-thons; that i secretly rejoice when the roommates are away for shabbos (even the ones i like!); that when people come running at me with open arms (believe it or not, it sometimes happens), my first instinct is to panic. unless they are immediate family. not that i ever have to worry about that.

basically, though, i am the wicked witch of the west. flying monkeys sold separately. my idea of a really good time is finding creative ways to destroy other people's deserts.

nevertheless, when i was ambushed by a group of girls that i liked late last night, i did not duck.

i was dragging my suitcase through the front doors, after a prolonged and guilty negotiation with my aunt. 'you never stay over till sunday,' she argued. 'what's so important that you have to rush back to school all the time?' the truth is that i never stay anywhere saturday night; it's a good worknight for me, because i know none of my roomates will be around, and i can't exercise at other people's houses either, so by saturday night i start getting antsy. that's the truth- but it strikes me as rude, so when people face me with the sunday question, i bluff. 'oh, you know, there's so many books - it's easier to just leave them and go back saturday night.' 'i would, but we have this computer course where you can only do the homework at the lab, and i need to get some work done tonight.' sometimes they have rebuttals and it starts to get ugly. but so far, i've always managed to finagle an out, and i end up on that same bus or subway week after week, cursing my inflexibility, relieved that i dodged another one.

last night i was already scheming and planning as i rolled through the door. '10:30 - perfect,' i thought. 'i can air out my wet laundry, pack up some of my things, make an outline for the china final, do aerobics, and if i'm really good i'll still get to read a little bit before i go to sleep. wonderful. i just have to stay on the--'

'FUDGE!' somebody shouted, and before i knew it, i was surrounded. eager faces, shining eyes, shabbos clothes. they were girls that i didn't know very well; i'd met them this semester in a few scattered classes, hung out with them once or twice more as a happy accident than anything else. i liked them; a few of them worked with me in the writing center, which meant they liked to think about stories and characters and other grisly literary stuff like i do - but i also knew that they were equally earnest about judaism and israel - traits of which i have become wary.

honestly, i think i am a little suspicious of anyone who's outwardly passionate about things these days. it's funny. i recognize that the ideal is for all of us to be enchanted with our religion and to be moved by feelings of pure love for each other and for G-d and for our land, and so on - but I find that when I encounter people who are that energetic in real life, it unsettles me. i grew up in a household of praticalities, not ideology, and my religious experiences come in teaspoons of baking powder and sticks of fleishmanns' margerine. i dance on yom ha'atzmaut and rosh chodesh chagigas, but i do it because i feel like i'm supposed to. rarely am i so moved by joy and excitement for the chag that i just have to dance.

but that is exactly what had posessed these girls.

'it's lag b'omer!' one of them cried. 'we can't just sit and study! how boring is that? we're all going to go to the park, and leah's bringing her violin, and you can bring your guitar, and we'll make it FEEL like lag b'omer!'

i looked from face to face uneasily. i am also haunted by a dumbfounding inability to remember jewish tunes on the guitar. i end up strumming A minor the whole time and hoping no one notices.

'you know you want to come,' one girl pleaded. 'what are you going to do, sit in your room all by yourself memorizing things?'

yes, a part of me answered, with surprising clarity. actually, that is exactly what i was going to do.

'erm....' i said. 'erm....'

'we need your musical energy!' she added.

honey, if you knew what my musical energy sounded like, you would be sprinting hastily in the other direction.

she took my hand and said, 'just come. it's going to be a lot of fun and i know you'll have a good time.'

i started to say 'erm' again, which is my standard stalling mechanism, when instead i said, 'ok, i'm getting my guitar - i'll be down in two seconds!'

she definitely looked surprised, but she could not possibly have been more surprised than i was, going up the elevator. 'you just said yes,' part of me pointed out. 'you committed to going to a kumzitz thirty-six hours before your biggest final. and you deliberately left yourself no time to change your mind.'

'oh, shut up,' the other part of me snapped. 'you're only going to be in school five more days. you're always worried that your antisocial tendencies are alienating everybody you could be friends with. don't just whine. do something about it!'

so i dropped my suitcase, unwedged my guitar from its precarious perch between my bed and every cardboard box i have ever utilized, and followed them down madison avenue.

they were skipping as they walked. sometimes a few of them would start singing randomly - usually israeli songs that i'd never heard before, or to be more accurate, isreali shlock that i'd never heard before, like a jewicized version of 50 cent's 'in da club.' somebody was always walking next to me, even though my guitar case weighs about thirty-five pounds and impeded my speed considerably; somebody was always talking with me, even though i frankly still don't remember all their names. one girl hugged me for no reason at all. and i did not flinch. the conversation, the singing, the random dancing - it was a little weird for me, but i could tell that it wasn't forced at all for the girls around me. they were just doing their thing.

eventually we came to a park. the girls were dismayed because the grass was all fenced in, with a very big sign that read, 'DO NOT SIT HERE.' but eventually we found a circle of concrete around a fountain that was reasonably pretty and not too uncomfortable. the violin player, who is phenomonal (read: lightyears better than me), proceeded to play, skipping and twirling around like the rabbi of my shul in milwaukee does on simchas torah. and i did what i usually do in these circumstances: chiefly, i strummed A minor a lot and shrugged everytime the violinist caught my eye.

but you know what? it wasn't like every other kumzitz i've flailed through. the violinist knew some of the songs they wanted, but for the most part, she was making it up as they sang, and at some point i started figuring out where she was going before she got there. i couldn't skip and twirl like she could, but it was enough just to watch her face as she veered off in all kinds of new directions, and it was enough to watch the other girls, shouting and jumping and chasing the circle around looking for their missing shoes. they were all laughing and all overtired. one girl started doing interpretive dancing. eventually the sound attracted some hip indie couples, dressed in black button-down oxfords, skinny jeans and skinny ties, who sat on a park bench not far from us and smirked ironically at the violinist's every bend and bow. 'sweet,' i could hear them thinking. 'just like the travel agent said!'

they couldn't see what i saw, which was the violinist raising her eyebrows at them and laughing.

it went on for awhile, but it didn't feel so long. i was surprised when one girl said, 'man, i'm getting tired; one more song and we'll go?' after about an hour, and the others bobbed their heads, respecting her comfort. we played one more song- one that i knew well enough to sing to! - and the violinist and i put our instruments away.

but then, as the other girls rose, the violinist turned to me, a twinkle in her eye, and said, 'but fudge, you and i haven't done any dancing!'

she's right, i realized. we haven't.

and the other girls gathered around into a circle again and they all started singing, and the violinist grabbed my hands and we started to dance. and i was glad.

because i really wanted to.

10 Comments:

Blogger Chana said...

Fudge, this rocks.

I am so glad you had a wonderful, exciting, happy Yom Ha'atzmaut, dared to do something different and had it work out well. That's so wonderful. I did, too, which is what makes me so happy. :D

It sounds like you had so much fun!!!

Awesome that you danced. Hurrah for us passionate idealists! And hurrah for your practical-sometimes-passionate Fudgeness. :D

7:10 PM  
Blogger Ayelet said...

Inspiring post. Thanks.

8:23 PM  
Blogger Hila said...

consider yourself "poked" bwuahahahah!


as for the post, i'm glad to see you're reaching out :-) i'm probably more like the semi-annoying cheery girls than the anti-social type, but i can relate. i definitely need a lot of "me time" where i can do my own thing without other people around, and plan my life accordingly.

take care!

-hila (btw my "real" name starts with an h, my initials are hmd, just so u aren't like "who poked me??")

5:27 AM  
Blogger Ezzie said...

:)

1:17 PM  
Blogger iguana said...

Destroy other people's desserts,eh? I think you need to come back to Milwaukee for a minute. Color war just broke out and our team has to bake a dessert named "marshmallow crispea" and eat it.

2:23 PM  
Blogger trn said...

That was beautiful.

12:59 AM  
Blogger Erachet said...

Wow, totally know what you mean about the anti-socialness and the desire to come back to school sat. night. I'm all with you, there! But I always find that whenever I break out of my shell and do something semi-social with friends, I usually end up having a good time.

1:59 PM  
Anonymous casaba melon nose said...

it wasn't beautiful. it was normal.
though you deserve some congratulations for that, me thinks.

2:00 PM  
Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der ┼íteg) said...

i recognize that the ideal is for all of us to be enchanted with our religion and to be moved by feelings of pure love for each other and for G-d and for our land, and so on - but I find that when I encounter people who are that energetic in real life, it unsettles me.

i feel the same way about positive emotions in general; i actually find it hard to take "overly" happy/friendly people seriously, since of course they have to be faking it. no one could be THAT happy.

but it sounds like you had a lot of fun, anyway :-)

9:18 PM  
Blogger RaggedyMom said...

There were a lot of years when I shied away from stereotypically "fun!" things and I still tend to be more of a sidelines kind of person - but it is nice to sometimes just jump in and lose yourself. It's also nice to look back on pictures years later and actually be in some of them. :)

4:15 PM  

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