Thursday, September 15, 2005

inside sessions at The Support Group for People Who Have Been Attacked By Inflatable Furniture



alan: look, of course it is malignant. i would be malignant too if someone blew me up.

me: but you don't understand. look at it. it is glowering.

alan: now you're just imagining things.

me: it makes those little growling noises whenever i sit on it!

alan: it is crying in pain!

me: you're taking its side!

alan: i feel responsible! i've always felt like an older brother or a father to the poor air cushion...and i foolishly placed it in your care, and now it has known cruelty.

me: there were no instructions on the box!

alan: what would you have liked the instructions to say? 'inflate'?

me: Dear Valued Consumer.

alan: oh G-d.

me: Do Not Attempt To Blow Up This Chair With A Bicycle Pump.

me: A Generator However Is Overkill.

alan: you used a generator?

me: the bicycle pump wasn't working!

alan: listen that's abuse. that is uncalled for. poor, poor ducky...

me: poor ducky? look at it! it has come back from the dead! it is like frankenstein's monster!

alan: actually it looks kind of like the blamananche from monty python.

me: or a mushroom.

alan: yes...yes i suppose he does.

(silence)

me: it eats my socks.

alan: no son of mine would do anything like that.

me: it's not what you think it is, alan. it has changed.

alan: noooooooooo

me: it has known fear. no longer is it the innocent piece of plastic you lovingly stole

alan: he was sheltered at the arcade. with the removable tattoos and the furry dice

me: and now

alan: and now you have destroyed him. and i am responsible

me: a black mark on your political record

me: of course the question now is

me: what should we do about it

alan: it? it?

alan: the chair has a name!

me: listen i refuse to think of that malignant sock eating blamanche as a definite article!

alan: haven't you abused him long enough? he is only plastic! treat him with respect!

me: it blew up in my face!

alan: that wasn't his idea!

me: ok mr civil rights leader

me: i repeat

me: what are you going to do about it

alan: excellent question

alan: like so many civil rights leaders these days

alan: not a whole lot



i am telling you, this is what gets me through the week.

12 Comments:

Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der ┼íteg) said...

heh, that gets me through my week too!

8:50 AM  
Blogger Ezzie said...

HAHAHA! Sorry, that's one of the funniest conversations I've read in a while. Then again, I got up kind of early today...

8:59 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

heehee

Feed me Seymour!

10:03 AM  
Blogger tuesdaywishes said...

Right, I think you should put aside the inflatable chair thing until you have worked through the issues. Maybe start with something less challenging, like a Hacky Sack. Someday, with the proper support, (not excluding psychoactive cocktails such as the Cranberry Martyr) perhaps you could look back on this as a true learning and growing experience.

(Where did you get a generator? or do you mean compressor?)

11:06 AM  
Blogger fudge said...

ezzie and steg: that's nothing. you should have heard our discussion regarding squash vs. cucumbers and how we, as members and groupies of the student government, can keep them off the nation's pizza.

THIS is why i get no sleep at night.


tuesday: i don't know if you've noticed, but the chair effectively IS a hacky sack at this point.

1:50 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Balabusta said...

THEY MEAN TO TAKE WIMBLETON!

4:01 PM  
Blogger Ezzie said...

sorry, i can't tell the difference b/w squash and cucumbers... and ive just figured out zucchini. and as for pizza, our club meeting today had way too much leftover, as did my wife's bday party last week. And yet, I'm still eating it every day.
PS Circa is overrated. Who wants to pay $10 for a salad?! (Besides, apparently, my wife. Ugh...)
Keep up the good Stern stories! I haven't heard many since my sis graduated... in 1999.

5:05 PM  
Blogger 30cal said...

wow. i dont think ive ever laughed so much in my life. OMG thats funny. is this the guy whos brother is in wits now? just curious. im on out-shabbos- good to be back. i gotta show my bunkie this blog.

6:16 PM  
Blogger tuesdaywishes said...

They can have Wimbledon. But who puts cucumber on pizza?

7:19 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

my point exactly.

11:02 AM  
Blogger Chaikers said...

omg perele! i just need to ask how old this alan is b.c i think i wanna marry him! or at least u should! haha! hilarious-luv ya

3:06 PM  
Blogger Eli said...

PT, Fudge:

Seymour's law: never invest in anything that eats.

2:12 AM  

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