and now back to you, G-d

i learned an Important Lesson this week: i gave up.

i don't know exactly when the idea first occurred to me. it might have been thursday night at around, oh, six fifty-seven, when i was sitting entirely still on the fdr. my first radio show was scheduled to air in about three minutes. and i looked out the shuttle window, and i figured that, if we developed sudden severe k'fitsas haderech and entire buses leaped out of our path, i could probably get to yu before seven-thirty.

or it could have been friday morning, at about four am, when i relearned a middle school no-brainer: sometimes, people don't like you as much as you like them. you'd be surprised how much these things everyone tells you for years hurt when you finally understand them. it's nobody's fault; it's just the way it is.

or it could have been friday afternoon- veteran's day, for those of you who are living in your own midterm-structured world! -standing in the elevator with three bags of laundry, twenty other girls and eighteen illuminated floor buttons, as it slowly dawned on me that the buses were running on a holiday schedule, and i had three minutes to make my bus to queens, and it was going to take pretty well near three hours because traffic on sixth avenue was not going to move.

and i had two hours until shabbos started.

to be honest, i think that was it. i was trying to carry my heavy bags six blocks in negative two minutes, and i came very close to crying. i'm not going to make my bus, my brain screamed. there isn't going to be another one for another two hours. i'm not going to get to queens for shabbos, i didn't pay for this week's shabbaton, i'm not ready for shabbos, i don't want to stay here, what am i going to do, what am i going to do, what am i going to do?

the answer occurred to me as i dropped my bags by the sixth avenue bus stop.

nothing.

i stood there with my three bags, put some quiet music on my cd player, and leaned back against the pole. i thought exactly one thing: G-d will take care of it. and then my brain just clicked itself off.

somehow, my bus showed up before three.

somehow, even though i had forgotten that the bus did not take dollar bills, and i did not have five dollars of quarters, a man swiped his metro card for me instead. and when i tried to give him my money, he wouldn't take it, and he told me to go sit down.

somehow, i ended up in queens before shabbos. and i got all my stuff to my grandma's house. and it was so wonderfully, blessedly quiet there, i actually heard a bird sing when i was getting changed for shabbos.

and somehow- and i think this is the greatest kindness i have ever recieved - i was in bed by six o' clock that night, and i slept until ten the next day.