Wednesday, October 05, 2005

don't hurt me

i thought i had already mined the depths of my patheticity, but i was wrong. tonight, knitting on the couch, i realized something truly alarming:

i am afraid of romantic comedies.

sadly, for those who know me, this is not such a leap. movies and books have always produced unwarrantedly volatile reactions in me. the brave little toaster made me cry. jurassic park left me sleepless for years.

so i have long since had to come to terms with the fact that pictures of sharks, which i know are far away and nowhere near me and never eve hurt the people they're pretending to hurt in jaws, still reduce me to a shaking blob of blamanche.

but still, i have my excuses. come on! jaws? the brave little toaster? scary movies, people! specifically designed to scare! there are plenty of people out there like my mom who clap their hands when the guy gets bit in half and beg for more. somebody has to weigh down the other side of the ratio.

but i can sit through jaws. i cannot sit through kate and leopold. i had to turn it off.

it is senseless. i know the formula. i come prepared. everything is going to be great for the first hour. then they will have a huge fight. then at the end everything will be not great but satisfactory again. they are fictional people anyway. they have no lives they have to drudge through morning ater morning, year after year. they can't even make mistakes! they have screen writers! everything they do is part of the plot! a calculated ploy to get me to...what? to think the movie is brilliant?

hmm. somehow, i do not think the creators of kate and leopold ask so much from me.

but i can't take it. i watch the characters, waiting for the dreaded awkward line, waiting for the coming snit, horrified in advance. my stomach knots, my fingers dig themselves into the sofa. 'no!' i want to scream at the tv. 'don't say it! don't say it! there's only a half hour left to the film! you can make it!'

i see it coming from a mile away. i see the gleam of trouble in between commercial breaks. i just. can't. handle it.

those of you who have seen my soap opera post understand the full depth of my incapabilities. clearly i am the whatsit, that dog from strong bad. lil brudder.

what am i so afraid of?

i think i am afraid of those things happening to me. the awkward line, the petty disagreement. except i know very well that in my life, if i say something stupid, no cute little screenwriter comes and cleans it up for me. the stupid line hangs there, in between me and the other person, sometimes despised, sometimes shrugged away, sometimes laughed off, but never so completely forgotten as it is in kate and leopold. when i make a fool of myself, it makes a difference, and maybe the reason i can't watch romantic comedies is that i live in fear of self-humiliation. romantic comedies are all about people acting like buffoons. i don't want other people to know how lame i truly am.

ah, you ask, then why do i keep a blog?

that's simple.

you electronic people don't count.

9 Comments:

Blogger Ezzie said...

I hate romantic comedies because they're dumb, predictable, and poorly acted.

Ironic. In "real-life", the opposite is true - those who are not afraid to make the stupid mistake, to say the stupid line, are usually better off. (Within reason) They aren't afraid to show their true selves, and people prefer people who are real, not those who hide behind a facade of PC-smiles and lines.

And I love being a dumb electronic person. :) [Imagine saying that to someone in "real-life"]

10:29 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

I can make in on my own.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Chaikers said...

rele! ur so cute! DONT BE AFRAID! be yourself! THATS WHY WE LOVE YOU! by the by, when u say something "stupid" its usually genius anyways-so there! MWAH!

12:50 PM  
Blogger 30cal said...

the little toaster was freaky. i had nightmares about that into 6th grade.

2:34 PM  
Blogger Kiwi the Geek said...

is 30cal == PT's larry?

BTW, I would much prefer your blog to behave like your dad's, ie when I click comments I get the whole post plus comments. My 2 cents

7:16 AM  
Blogger Kiwi the Geek said...

Oh, also, I can't figure out how to determine what day a comment was posted. Your post has the date and time, but the comments only have time. So how do I tell if the conversation is over 3 days ago?

7:21 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

30cal is Moe.

Fudge has to go into her blogger dashboard settings and change the options for her comments. All of those options are there. That would entail some basic understanding of how web pages work though.

11:33 AM  
Blogger dilbert said...

If it makes you feel any better, there are many of us who cringe when the people on the screen say/do stoopid things, and it is true that romantic comedies have more stupid moments than many other genres. On the other hand, if I feel any sort of empathy for the character, I am very happy when it all works out and the guy gets the girl(or visa versa, however it is spelled). After all, what makes Groundhog day great is that the Bill Murray character not only has to find the right lines and actions to woo Andie McDowell, but winds up having to be the person as well. And we get to watch the many iterations as he works it out. Maybe if you didn't care so much about the characters it would work better for you. Or just repeat to yourself...... its just a movie, its just a movie.

1:12 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

ha...what makes you think i don't already?

3:07 PM  

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