Tuesday, July 17, 2007

which would you rather....

one late night in wisconsin....

SCENE: a disarrayed living room. an 11-year-old girl, IGUANA, is nestled in an arm chair, playing video games. her older sister, FUDGE, reads a Norton Anthology on the couch. next to her, a teenager, RAFIKI, sits with one leg over the armrest, eating an oreo pudding. in the neighboring arm chair sprawls another teenager, MOE, snoring.

RAFIKI: Iguana, get off already. You've been on forever.

MOE (eyes closed): Haven't you been on for like 20 hours?

RAFIKI: I haven't been on since this morning.

FUDGE (eagerly abandoning the Norton): Are you going to play that game that's set in Peru? Can I watch?

RAFIKI: Not if she keeps playing.

IGUANA: Fine, fine! I'll get off as soon as my cheese is ready!

RAFIKI: Yeah, fine. (pause) What?

IGUANA: As soon as my cheese is done.

RAFIKI: Your cheese?

IGUANA: Yeah. You just have to gather some fresh milk and fire peppers, and you get spicy cheese. I just threw mine in the crock pot a second ago.

(Off-stage, a child's voice): I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!


(He hops off the couch and vanishes immediately)

MOE, blinking: Fudge? Did you just hear the PT?

FUDGE: I hope not. It's past midnight.

(Child's voice sounds again)

MOE: I think I hear her.

FUDGE: Can you go investigate?


IGUANA: Yay! My cheese is done!

MOE: I thought Rafiki went to investigate.

FUDGE: You know, he did, but then he went the other way. I haven't seen him since.

MOE (grumble grumble)

IGUANA: Now I have spicy cheese!

FUDGE: Whatever.

(A moment of silence. IGUANA continues her game. FUDGE turns back to her anthology. Eventually, MOE returns, looking suitably irritated.)

FUDGE: Well? What news?

MOE (shaking his head): She's fast asleep. I don't know how anybody could sleep in the position she's in, but she's asleep.

FUDGE: Huh. Weird.

RAFIKI (returning breathlessly): Where is it?

(All turn to look at him)

MOE: There you are!

FUDGE: Didn't you get up so you could find out what was going on with the PT?

RAFIKI: Something's going on with the PT?

FUDGE: Well, you jumped up so fast, I thought you heard her sleep-talking...

MOE: Yeah, we were waiting for you to save the day, but it didn't happen.

RAFIKI: Huh? No, I got up because she just put cheese in the crock pot! The same one we use to make chulent!

IGUANA: No I didn't.

RAFIKI: You just said you put cheese in the crock pot! Where is it?

IGUANA: In the game, moron! You think I have fire peppers in real life?

(A moment of clarifying silence)

RAFIKI (suspiciously): So you didn't put cheese in the crock pot?

FUDGE: No. Her game has alchemy in it. (dawning) You've been in the kitchen all this time looking for a crock pot with cheese in it?

RAFIKI: The crock pot is fleishig! Cheese is milthig! Something had to be done!

IGUANA: See? The cheese is done! Now I can feed it to my characters, and they'll breathe fire!

RAFIKI (cautiously): It's done?


RAFIKI: Ok, Iguana. My. Turn.


Blogger PsychoToddler said...



8:37 AM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

I'm with Rafiki on this one. My immediate reaction to Iguana's statement was, "Say *what*?!!!" :)

So now you're "writing" (transcribing?) a modern Yiddisheh version of Little Women and Little Men? Somewhere, Louisa May Alcott is turning in her grave. :)


1:46 PM  
Blogger Ezzie said...


That was really funny. :)

5:52 PM  
Blogger SaraK said...

You kids are hysterical. When are you taking your show on the road? :)

6:29 PM  
Anonymous eees said...

Sounds like *certain* people miss school (please don't pelt me with spicy cheese!!)

5:44 AM  
Blogger Scraps said...

LOL! I want spicy cheese! But not if it's fleishig.

8:41 AM  
Blogger Chaikers said...

I want oreo puddddding!!

6:33 PM  
Blogger Steg (dos iz nit der ┼íteg) said...

this is why you all need a milkhic crock pot.

6:38 PM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

You don't need a milchig crock pot to breath fire. Some of that Pepper/corn soup from Trader Joe's did the trick for me tonight.

7:32 PM  
Blogger iguana said...

I WAS NOT MAKING SPICY CHEESE! I was making steel cheese(?). If you feed THAT to your characters, they become invinceable for a short amount of time. Methods for consuming it are unknown.

7:42 PM  
Blogger the apple said...

Your family is TOO FUNNY!

I want to visit.

8:16 PM  
Blogger the apple said...

Okay, I just realized that my last comment might sound a little creepy, so just to clarify, Fudge - I do know who you are. (I wonder if you know who I am.) (We go to school together, BTW.) (You can ask Chana who I am, if you don't know.) (I think I'm done with the parentheses.)

8:18 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

anytime apple. you can keep iguana as a souvenir, if you like. but you've gotta give me a hint. if i have to go by the chana reference alone, this could turn into a war of attrition, and i may not be equipped to handle that

8:54 PM  
Blogger outofAMMO said...

Y'see, I like this post cuz I'm not in it. Cuz Y'know, I actuactlyyyyyylopdefre have a LIFE


11:09 PM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

If by "a life" you mean you were downstairs playing Risk II, I guess then that you do...

7:07 AM  
Blogger iguana said...

Oh yeah Mr.Igotalife? Well I just so happen to know that as soon as a certain someone figured out the trailer for halo 3 was on the internet, a certain someone watched it 15 times FRAME BY FRAME!

8:15 AM  
Blogger outofAMMO said...


6:25 AM  
Blogger outofAMMO said...


6:26 AM  
Blogger iguana said...


12:49 PM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

That last emoticon actually looks like Curly.

4:15 PM  
Blogger the apple said...

Hmm, a hint. Well, we were in a JPhil class together second semester . . . chana was in that class too.

10:39 PM  
Blogger iguana said...

What do you mean by that, PT?

9:18 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

Iguana: Look at it.

6:43 AM  
Blogger Rafiki said...

hmm, it looks like someone trying really really hard not to smile, and thus putting all of it into his eyebrows, which are shaking all over the place.
yup, thats him.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Erachet said...

So funny! Haha, seems I'm a bit late for this post. But what Rafiki did sounds like something I'd do, heh.

By the way, like The Apple, I think I also know who you are (from school) but I don't know if you know me. We once briefly met at a meeting for the Purim edition of the school paper last year (and by last year I mean, two years ago, not the year that just ended), I think. Definitely something to do with the paper.

Sorry if this comment sounded at all creepy, it wasn't meant to!

7:19 PM  

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