Wednesday, September 26, 2007

the cake the baby threw up on

o foul cake! hideous abomination! creature of deceit and destruction!
how could you do this to me? you were the apple of my eye, the dream of my heart! you were my one, pathetic attempt to deviate from a standard dunkin heins mix cake!
you were supposed to impress people!
o how bitterly my heart dost churn, knowing my former naivete for the foolishness it truly was. how darest i have thought that i, the Cake Burninator, could possibly design a creative cooking project that wouldst appear remotely appetizing?
it seemed a small enough risk. you were formed merely by combining a fudge cake and a vanilla cake recipe in the same bunt pan. chocolate on bottom, vanilla on top. i guarded you jealously whilst you baked in the oven, checking every two minutes to make sure you didst not boil up like the wrath of G-d and smoke on the oven floor (witness hershey's chocolate cake c, aka 'elana's birthday cake, z"l.)
once you had been forged in that murderous oven, i watched you cool, lovingly, on the kitchen counter, admiring your ingenous bands of vanilla and fudge which, admittedly, i had no idea were going to turn out that way, but could still claim credit for. how tasteful you looked! how martha-stewart-esque! how proud my mother would be of my innate cooking sensitivities!
but then - o wicked day - alas, for in my conceit i didst decide that my G-d granted success was a sign that i could then be trusted to create my own frosting. o ruinous idea! o stupid brother, who refused to be satisfied with the parve big jar o' choco-frosting we bought at the grocery store! no, he had to have vanilla frosting! listen bubkes, just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you get the right to encourage your mad sister with reckless baking suggestions.
but heedst my inner warning i did not, nor didst i wait for the return of my mother from the grocery store - thus be the fate of all the laughably inept who rally their courage in vain. flipping through the Huge Purple Book of Every Kind of Kosher Food Recipe Book, i didst discern the perfect white-frosting recipe for my brother's birthday cake. and - o woe! o senseless tragedy! - we had all the ingredients. then not knowing what was to befall to me didst i gather the confectionary sugar and soy milk and create the most hideous layer-cake frosting that has ever been glimpsed by the eyes of man.
for lo! - it was grainy and papier-mache colored and clung not to the sides of the cake, but slid off into a murky mushed-newspaper-tinged puddle at the bottom of the plate. and it didst obscure the beautiful grand-canyon innate striping of my marvelous creation, concealing it in glumps and glops of what the uninformed eye of my eldest brother observed to be 'baby vomit,' whilst i myself did think it looked more like spider barf.
o awesome day! o cataclysmic cake! what have i done to deserve this?


Anonymous PsychoBarbarian said...

Forsooth! It is truly thou who art the Cake Burninator! I shall surely smite thee when I get home from work!

11:22 AM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...


11:31 AM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

Life-long vegie-burner here, famous for french-frying the peas to a semi-permanent place at the bottom of the pot, whence to be extracted with much elbow grease (kosher, of course :) ) accompanied by much colorful language. And for this, one dost not even need a recipe, much less a tome of recipes, much less a list of ingredients. I liketh to keep it simple. :)

Happy Birthday to whichever bro made you rise to the bait.

Chag sameach!

11:49 AM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

So nu, how did the cake *taste*?

12:05 PM  
Blogger Rafiki said...

you ASKED me what frosting I wanted!

It doesn't look that bad to me anyways.

12:53 PM  
Blogger RaggedyMom said...

The funny looking ones always taste the best. I bet it's going to disappear.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

Ah, the birthday boy de-lurks! Hope it was a happy day.

If there's any cake left, send it New York, and let RaggedyMom and me demolish it. Yum!

1:02 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

rafiki - aw, i'm not really mad at you. i wanted you to enjoy your cake! but clearly it has been AMUTINATED! duh duh duh duh...duh duh, duh duh...

shira & raggedy mom - you know, i feel a little better. i think my history of failed-cake-bakings is giving me some kind of psychosis.

and speaking of which...

psychobarbarian - begorrah! rage not, for i hath liberally dabbed it with sprinkles to disguise its wretchedness!

(actually, that was the pt's idea. 'eeeeerrmmm...well, why don't you just put sprinkles on it?' cause you know, nothing's not better without those things on top.)

1:13 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

way too many negatives in that last sentence. f - -.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

Ah, sprinkles, the culinary equivalent of a Purim costume. Clever, that sister of yours. :) But it's the taste that counts. RaggedyMom and I are still hoping for a spare slice or two, but undoubtedly in vain. I'm sure the home team will function very nicely as a demolition squad. :)

11:32 PM  
Blogger Rafiki said...

i knew you were kidding

10:24 AM  
Blogger the apple said...

LOL to the post. Although I don't think the cake looked *so* bad . . . I would have eaten it.

8:40 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

careful there apple...there's still three more days of yuntif...who knows what i'll sneak under your door when we return...

9:59 PM  
Blogger orieyenta said...

The title of your post "takes the cake" (bad pun intended) The cake reminds me of a chocolate frosted donut and I'll never be able to look at one of those again without thinking the baby threw up on it.

5:58 AM  
Blogger RaggedyMom said...

So what's on your baking list for the second days?

4:39 PM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

Ooh, ooh, good question! If teleportation had been invented, I'd make a detour to Milwaukee on the way home from work on Hoshanah Rabbah. :)

On the other hand, if I did that, there wouldn't be a thing left for anyone else. They don't call me "The Crumb Bum" for nothin'. :) Yum!

12:33 PM  
Blogger fudge said...

well, so far i've taken my share of wins and losses. everyone agrees the pineapple kugel looks suprisingly appetizing given the fact that at numerous points along the recipe i forgot what i was supposed to be doing and made it up, but my brilliant let's-buy-a-raw-pumpkin-and-carve-it-with-our-flimsy-cutting-knife suggestion has made me some serious foes.

also, it tastes- and smells - like mulch.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Shira Salamone said...

Maybe you could try printing out or photocopying the recipe and marking off the steps and/or ingredients with a pencil as you complete or add them. In the meantime, I wish you could save me a piece of that pineapple kugel!

6:10 PM  
Blogger PsychoToddler said...

The least you could have done for that poor pumkin was give it some googly eyes.

6:00 AM  
Blogger the apple said...

Hehe. Looking forward.

7:37 AM  
Blogger Stam said...

wow, now i dont feel so bad about my cheesecake flop anymore.

12:47 AM  
Blogger Stam said...

btw, for the best vanilla frosting buy a box of domino sugar and make the recipe on the back/side. instead of milk (or soy) use coffee rich, and instead of butter use margarine.

12:49 AM  
Blogger RaggedyMom said...

Alternately, try adding some salad dressing. If you can find it.

7:28 PM  

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