i thought i had already mined the depths of my patheticity, but i was wrong. tonight, knitting on the couch, i realized something truly alarming:
i am afraid of romantic comedies.
sadly, for those who know me, this is not such a leap. movies and books have always produced unwarrantedly volatile reactions in me. the brave little toaster made me cry. jurassic park left me sleepless for years.
so i have long since had to come to terms with the fact that pictures of sharks, which i know are far away and nowhere near me and never eve hurt the people they're pretending to hurt in jaws, still reduce me to a shaking blob of blamanche.
but still, i have my excuses. come on! jaws? the brave little toaster? scary movies, people! specifically designed to scare! there are plenty of people out there like my mom who clap their hands when the guy gets bit in half and beg for more. somebody has to weigh down the other side of the ratio.
but i can sit through jaws. i cannot sit through kate and leopold. i had to turn it off.
it is senseless. i know the formula. i come prepared. everything is going to be great for the first hour. then they will have a huge fight. then at the end everything will be not great but satisfactory again. they are fictional people anyway. they have no lives they have to drudge through morning ater morning, year after year. they can't even make mistakes! they have screen writers! everything they do is part of the plot! a calculated ploy to get me to...what? to think the movie is brilliant?
hmm. somehow, i do not think the creators of kate and leopold ask so much from me.
but i can't take it. i watch the characters, waiting for the dreaded awkward line, waiting for the coming snit, horrified in advance. my stomach knots, my fingers dig themselves into the sofa. 'no!' i want to scream at the tv. 'don't say it! don't say it! there's only a half hour left to the film! you can make it!'
i see it coming from a mile away. i see the gleam of trouble in between commercial breaks. i just. can't. handle it.
those of you who have seen my soap opera post understand the full depth of my incapabilities. clearly i am the whatsit, that dog from strong bad. lil brudder.
what am i so afraid of?
i think i am afraid of those things happening to me. the awkward line, the petty disagreement. except i know very well that in my life, if i say something stupid, no cute little screenwriter comes and cleans it up for me. the stupid line hangs there, in between me and the other person, sometimes despised, sometimes shrugged away, sometimes laughed off, but never so completely forgotten as it is in kate and leopold. when i make a fool of myself, it makes a difference, and maybe the reason i can't watch romantic comedies is that i live in fear of self-humiliation. romantic comedies are all about people acting like buffoons. i don't want other people to know how lame i truly am.
ah, you ask, then why do i keep a blog?
you electronic people don't count.