Monday, October 31, 2005

Coming Soon To A Blog Near You

the story of last night's cab driver


"If I Promise Not To Get Married Before I Graduate, Will You Please Finish Driving Me to My Dorm?"

Sunday, October 30, 2005

sometimes i wonder

am i the only person who finds 'the far side' comics more disturbing than funny?

i guess i am more of a charlie brown person.

i am going back to new york today, which alternately thrills me and terrifies me. i'm not sure what i am terrified of exactly. the roommate situation is part of it. grades is another part. believe it or not, i am also wondering how i will adapt to having no furniture again. having nowhere to sit takes a toll on you sometimes.

but i think it was good that i came back, so i sort of see what i'm missing. i came to a realization this past shabbos that my family is not some officially sponsored program that will end at some point. my family will always be right where i left them, rolling along at the same pace they always have. they'll visit my grandparents on sundays and clean the house on fridays. no matter when i come back, if ever, they will be doing the same thing. me being in new york doesn't change anything for them; and for me, it's just an opportunity to try different things. it's like going to baskin robbins and ordering the cream instead of vanilla. vanilla will always be there.

once i learn not to be uptight and worried about things, and live things for the sheer pleasure of living them, new york is the most intriguing and exciting development in my entire existence. and i can take the whole experience and make something of it, this i believe. i'm going to turn this whole year into something for everyone to have and enjoy.

i'm not being very amusing today, but i hope you don't mind. it's the last day of my vacation, you know. i'm entitled to be solemn at least once a month.

i've been sticking my head out the screen door every ten minutes trying to get as much fresh air as i can...hah, i don't even know why i bother. i've never been to new york this time of year. i wonder what it will be like.

i think for the radio premiere, mayerhoff and me are going to debate the extremely pressing issue of whether lamb chop is a girl or a boy. aside from the war on iraq, i believe all americans are divided most strongly on this debate.

ok. signing off.

Friday, October 14, 2005

this is what makes the internet such fun

well, it appears that i've been tagged by my father to fill out one of those internet quizzes that people with nothing to do during their coffee breaks get so excited about. fortunately, i've always got time for trivia (related to my mom the cryptoquip addict), so here it is, folks:

7 things i can do:

1. talk. a lot. with really big, not entirely relevant words that scare the living daylights out of people.

2. i can knit scarves. i'm not sure how i feel about that.

3. i can write a book and a bunch of songs and poetry.

4. i can run up and down 18 flights of stairs four times in a half an hour.

5. i can draw really good stick figures.

6. i can roll out of bed at three o'clock in the morning, take my sister to the bathroom, change her clothes and her sheets, and get back into bed without ever waking up.

7. i can find circa's.

7 things i can't do:

1. i can't play scrabble. or chess. or any other board game, really. this does not change the cardinal rule, which is that i always win, unless one of my younger sisters is playing, in which case i lose.

2. i can't write html code or speak binary. so leave me alone.

3. i can't take conventional pictures. there was this video i filmed that i like, and i can take cool pictures, but not things that would make any sense in your photo album.

4. i can't put a leaf back in the table. sorry, abba.

5. i can't keep things neat and orderly.

6. i can't routinely do something i can't see making a difference in the long run. for instance, solitaire, or busy work. busy work really, really bothers me. i guess it's the whole egyptian-oppression thing.

7. i can't say the 'rrraish' sound israelis use. i have stopped trying. i might as well have it plastered on my forehead: AMERICAN JEW.

7 things i hope to do in my lifetime:

1. be 125 pounds

2. go to israel

3. get published

4. make a difference in other people's lives like other people have made a difference in mine

5. you'd think i want to do more with my life, yet i'm running dry...i would like to write a screenplay that gets adapted, or else, magically be able to effect a really good british accent

6. i could say have a family, but that would scare my dad, so i'll go with something less complicated...matching sock. i would like to have matching socks.

7. be out of debt- why didn't i think of this earlier? also win a scholarship...why can't i win a scholarship? i only applied to 40...sheesh...

7 things i say often:

1) whatsit

2) whatever floats your boat

3) clearly

4) go figure

5) therein lies the paradox/condundrum

6) oh ho ho

7) what kind of ::harrumph:: music do you play?

ok, i have to tag more people, right? i tag-- EVERYBODY WHO READS THIS! bwa ha ha ha HA

Saturday, October 08, 2005

is it just me

an earthquake where 18, 000 people die?
a hurricane where an entire city is destroyed?
TWO hurricanes?
a tsunami?


everyone tells me the same thing. 'G-d is trying to tell us something.' WHAT? and what am i supposed to do about it? i am not a prophet and not a tzadeikess. what is going on? i don't understand death and destruction! if there's something i should know, please send me an email!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

don't hurt me

i thought i had already mined the depths of my patheticity, but i was wrong. tonight, knitting on the couch, i realized something truly alarming:

i am afraid of romantic comedies.

sadly, for those who know me, this is not such a leap. movies and books have always produced unwarrantedly volatile reactions in me. the brave little toaster made me cry. jurassic park left me sleepless for years.

so i have long since had to come to terms with the fact that pictures of sharks, which i know are far away and nowhere near me and never eve hurt the people they're pretending to hurt in jaws, still reduce me to a shaking blob of blamanche.

but still, i have my excuses. come on! jaws? the brave little toaster? scary movies, people! specifically designed to scare! there are plenty of people out there like my mom who clap their hands when the guy gets bit in half and beg for more. somebody has to weigh down the other side of the ratio.

but i can sit through jaws. i cannot sit through kate and leopold. i had to turn it off.

it is senseless. i know the formula. i come prepared. everything is going to be great for the first hour. then they will have a huge fight. then at the end everything will be not great but satisfactory again. they are fictional people anyway. they have no lives they have to drudge through morning ater morning, year after year. they can't even make mistakes! they have screen writers! everything they do is part of the plot! a calculated ploy to get me to...what? to think the movie is brilliant?

hmm. somehow, i do not think the creators of kate and leopold ask so much from me.

but i can't take it. i watch the characters, waiting for the dreaded awkward line, waiting for the coming snit, horrified in advance. my stomach knots, my fingers dig themselves into the sofa. 'no!' i want to scream at the tv. 'don't say it! don't say it! there's only a half hour left to the film! you can make it!'

i see it coming from a mile away. i see the gleam of trouble in between commercial breaks. i just. can't. handle it.

those of you who have seen my soap opera post understand the full depth of my incapabilities. clearly i am the whatsit, that dog from strong bad. lil brudder.

what am i so afraid of?

i think i am afraid of those things happening to me. the awkward line, the petty disagreement. except i know very well that in my life, if i say something stupid, no cute little screenwriter comes and cleans it up for me. the stupid line hangs there, in between me and the other person, sometimes despised, sometimes shrugged away, sometimes laughed off, but never so completely forgotten as it is in kate and leopold. when i make a fool of myself, it makes a difference, and maybe the reason i can't watch romantic comedies is that i live in fear of self-humiliation. romantic comedies are all about people acting like buffoons. i don't want other people to know how lame i truly am.

ah, you ask, then why do i keep a blog?

that's simple.

you electronic people don't count.