i am on a friend's computer while she's in the shower, and i don't know how much time i'll have. the dorm's internet is fixed, but my particular floor has wiring issues, and the jacks in the study room don't work, so i have been cut off from that for a few days now. i had to wait until one to get this.
ok, i don't know how entertaining or amusing this is going to be, because i'm writing it at night. if this were three in the afternoon i would tell you how exciting and interesting everything is here, and i would rave about stomp, some of the girls i've met, etc. but you see, the problem is that it is night. and at night, my high-flying plane goes down faster than you can shout 'howard dean' in a crowded theater. (i suppose that is a mixed metaphor. to those of you who take offense: there's a monkey in your fridge.)
i never imagined i would feel this bad this randomly. i guess it's not random if it's always at night...but i'll be fine when i lie down, laughing and talking, and as soon as i close my eyes, it's just one big thought that parades across my mind in flashing capitol letters: GET ME OUT OF HERE.
i'm not sure what, if anything, it is. i've met one girl here who is absolutely miserable because there are no trees, no grass, nothing vaguely pretty. that's true...i do miss being able to breathe without hacking on somebody else's cigarette smoke. but when i was in milwaukee, i thought nothing was cooler than all those glowing lights on the chicago shoreline. and there is no view from any hotel better than my window's. if i could figure out how to use the camera, i'd take pictures to try to explain it. the crysler building, the empire states building...yeah, they're all right there.
my roommates are never home, which is a good thing. i'm never really there either, because the room depresses me. it's very musty and...cold. they're not mean, but they're not friendly. it's not like, hey, who wants to hear this hilarious spelling mistake i just read off the stupid internet card? it's more like, umm...you're breathing on my picture frame.
there is one girl there who stayed up with me all last night who seems really nice, if intense. she comes from a lubavitch community that thinks college is a sin, but she wants to be a doctor and doesn't want to go on shlechos to brazil, so she got her act together and flew herself back here and went to school. but she really believes in what she believes in...i can't really make a joke, i don't think, to her.
i guess the real problem is that i just had a really close relationship to my family. they knew all my in jokes. i never had to plaster a smile on my face and continue to spout bland banalaties...and i told them everything, and enjoyed listening to their responses. and every night when i close my eyes, it just kind of hits me: it's not going to be that way for the rest of my life. i am my own person now. i can't live out of my parents' basement forever. i have to make my own friends, plan my own future, and create my own family here. that's going to be the only way out...i have to find people here who i can be comfortable enough with to feel at home.
until then, i'm great during the day...walking around from program to program, exploring the stores, sitting in starbucks and watching the people go by. bothering rivka. and i spend the night lying on various bathroom floors or huddled up in three blankets in the student lounge. i can not for the life of me sleep. i am going to do aerobics after this, because if i'm not going to sleep anyway, i might as well try to do something productive.
not having internet is throwing me off. i can't talk to anyone, have nothing to make me laugh when i'm bored, because my cell phone is a lot of money, and it's strange calling people and never knowing what they're in the middle of. plus the voices are getting to me. i can't hear the voices. (great movie line, don't you think?)
and i just see this stretching ahead of me for four years, and it seems nearly impossible. i was walking back from the broadway thing tonight, just staring up at all the buildings, and it doesn't feel like i live here. it feels like i'm on some ncsy convention or something...there's nothing about all these strange buildings and strange people (we had some chinese people paint themselves bloody and stand outside the dorm as a statement about torture) that could ever be home.
on the other hand, i know that i would be bored to tears in milwaukee. and i know i wanted to be here, and i worked really hard to be here, and we paid a lot of money for me to be here, and i am determined to stay and to make the most of it. i am angry at myself for crying like this for having gotten what i asked for. but every other minute i just want to buck and run. it is a constant struggle.
i seem to be one of the more religious girls here...even the girls i am closest to were surprised when i excused myself to finish davening. they said they hadn't davened in years. i'm not sure what to make of that yet...there are some frumies, but not many. i find myself almost desperate for right wingers sometimes.
the guys here all look like the pictures in my dad's old photo albums. i'm serious. at the broadway production, it was mixed, so i was just sitting in the back seats and watching...but it didn't feel like my life. it felt like i had somehow been transported back in time to my parents' high school years. they were all wearing baseball jerseys and kipat srugah and joking really loudly. they looked like they were having a lot of fun. the girls here look all different, but the most common mode of dress is like my aunt's. short sleeves, short skirts. my beis yaakov friend would never recover. it's so weird to be in that position, to feel old and frumpy, and yet secretly, i do. if i can see your bikini underwear, honey...
the broadway production they took us to was great. stomp. a loose musical about janitors who use everyday things like brooms, paint cans, anything - their hands, a matchbox- to make these complex beats and dances, like a marching band or something. i literally got up and danced at one point. i never wanted it to end. if it comes to your town, see it. it's definitely worth seeing.
other than that, i haven't met any of my radio friends...we sign up for courses tomorrow, by which time i expect i will no longer be functioning at anything like a sufficient capacity. it's a quarter to two now and i haven't done anything worth doing. i have just been lying on rivka's bed listening to her swear at her computer. rivka's alright. she listens to me sing half-heartedly and off key while i cry and just occasionally bobs in with a 'there, there dear.'
typing this has made me feel a lot better, though. a lot. maybe it's the internet. maybe the internet is The Hope For The Future. i talked to my ra (read: you gotta help me i could die!) and she says she'll try to fix it tomorrow. she's from south africa, and pretty cool...but i imagine she now thinks i am a juvenile baby (as opposed to some of the older babies). see, i miss being able to insert the little snide comments. it's what i do best, and a lot of times when i do that here i just get blank looks. it really kills the act.
keep in mind that this does not mean i'm miserable. it's just that this is the worst time of night for me. no the worst time is when i'm in bed, not sleeping, but this is pretty close...i just don't know what to do with my life...i'm considering...male modeling? i just don't know...but it's like all of a sudden, why do i have to get old? why does anyone have to get old? what's the point in life if not to be around people you love? who honestly cares how many stores i walked around today?
(answer: my mother. it was three.)
i need to start writing again to keep me from going crazy. and i have to figure out some way to not let my room mates depress me. most importantly, i gotta get my internet back on so i won't feel so cut off from society (in the middle of manhattan) this way.
no, MOST importantly...I HAVE TO START SLEEPING AGAIN. DEAR G-D. PLEASE LET ME SLEEP A DECENT AMOUNT OF TIME. SINCERELY, PEREL.
right. and now i am sure you all think i am an ungrateful little brat who doesn't know how good she's got it. please do not be too disappointed in me. when my internet comes on i'll holla at ya in the daytime, and you can catch me on the bright side of my bipolarity.